If Your Watch Isn’t Melting, You’re Reading It Wrong
I recommend reading these texts in the dead of night, when the brain starts trying to escape the everyday and opens its doors to the surreal. In keeping with this extra-ordinary atmosphere, I suggest reading while seated in a barber’s chair perched atop a giant snail that, having nothing better to do, slowly crosses a desert—a desert which, from a certain angle, appears to be the back of a woman.
If, for any reason, you lack the snail, the woman, or the barber’s chair, an ordinary room will do—though I strongly advise choosing one far from the kitchen, and even farther from reality. You may enjoy a drink while reading, but I don’t recommend anything fizzy. As we all know, bubbles are distracting, and the reader must devote 100% of their attention not only to following what’s happening, but to conjuring the images the text invites you to build.
Best Read Under an Osram Dulux L 36W Four-Pin Lamp, According to the University of Massachusetts
If you happen to be exploited—whether you work in a coal mine, a clandestine textile workshop, a call center, row in a Roman galley, or teach at a private school—and somehow still find yourself thirsty for justice and critique, then you are the ideal reader for these texts. You’ll find critique in the fiction. As for justice… well, also in the fiction.
I recommend reading these pieces at the end of the day—when the optimism you had in the morning has finally run dry… or when optimism in general has.
But the most important thing: make sure you read under a warm-light, energy-saving lamp. A study conducted at the University of Massachusetts found that Osram Dulux L 36W four-pin lamps delivered the best results when reading these comedies. Another finding from this study was that the research team took over the university’s entire second floor—and part of the basement—after years of being forced to conduct absurd experiments under exploitative conditions and without basic safety measures.
Comedies for Morning Coffee with Milk. Dog Optional.
These are texts best read in a well-lit room—preferably one bathed in natural light. While they’re not particularly demanding in terms of concentration, a certain level of intimacy is recommended. Some of the gags are musical in nature, so I suggest reading them aloud. No more than fifty minutes of focused attention is required—but yes, uninterrupted attention is best.
I also strongly recommend pairing the text with a café con leche, or a cortado if that’s more your style. A light pastry from a good bakery makes an ideal companion for the beverage. These works are not meant to be read in libraries or university settings, where the academic atmosphere might trick the reader into mistaking lightness for simplicity. A common mistake—and one I’d rather help you avoid.
Some readers have reached out to ask whether it would be appropriate to read these texts, in addition to the above conditions, while lounging on a futon, ideally with a schnauzer or Belgian shepherd curled up at their feet. While I don’t object to the decorative presence of dogs during readings of my work, if asked, I would enthusiastically recommend a beagle. Their playful, lively, and agile nature makes them a perfect match for texts that aspire to the same.
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